antidepressants (a year in review)

I tend to overanalyze. For nearly a year, I’ve been tracking every chemical I put into my body. From legal to illegal, herbal to pharmaceutical.

And of course, I make charts. Here’s a chart I felt compelled to make of my antidepressant trials (i.e. FAILS). Dosage is normalized to the “target dose” for each drug (1 = target dose).


As you can see, I’m not a model patient. I have a hard time sticking with anything due to all the crazy side effects. Celexa and Remeron are the only ones I’ve really given a shot. In fact, I just quit the Wellbutrin today (made it 11 days). Just couldn’t handle the initial (and perhaps permanent) increased anxiety.

PRIDE Mystery box

Sat night: PRIDE. I was out of my house with 3 hits ecstacy, 3 xanax, one 10mg Aderol (gift from a friend with ADHD, two condoms, and two pocket size lube packets. If you want the resulting story, I must see at lease 10 comments on the facebook thread.

mirtzapine dreams

Laying on the stained, mud brown carpet, my mind spins in chaos. Fleeting moments of coherence emerge, sending my mental state from nausea to euphoria to dread at lightening speeds. I drag myself onto the sofa. Sitting down, I try and settle. From the far end of the coffee table comes music. It grows louder and louder as I move towards it. Clutching the corner of the coffee table, it comes through loud and clear. I laugh. I’m creating the music. It’s rather shitty techno. Random electronic sounds sputtering and farting over an insistent *mpht *mpht beat. But because I’m creating it, it’s shitty techno perfectly tailored to my mental state. It’s the best shitty techno I’ve ever heard in my life. I play with the sounds in my head. Sending them this way and that. DJ Shitty. Relief washes over me. I’m no longer nauseous or euphoric or dreading. I am shitty techno. I’m much better now. But where is the sound coming from, exactly? I lean over the coffee table and scan the assortment of junked electronics on the floor. A small white box emits quiet white noise. Is that the source? I climb off the couch and move towards it. But as I do, the music fades. Once again, I find myself back on the carpet, mind reeling. Never again question the source. I look down at the disgusting brown carpet. I should clean this. Before somebody comes back. I look for a vacuum cleaner. Instead, I see a petite, perfect in every way blonde in a bikini, crawling towards me on hands and knees. Her short blond hair slicked back on her head like a tennis ball. “Do you remember that thing I wanted to do?” she pants, her voice thick with lust. “With the vacuum cleaner?” I ask? “Yeah...”.

I wake up. It’s 4:35am. Do I dare go back to sleep?

It must be the mirtazpine (brand name Remeron™). The latest antidepressant I’m trying. A new kid on the antidepressant block that acts on the same brain receptors as pot and mushrooms (in fact, I can’t get high on either while on it).

So far, it’s worked much better than the others. And with much fewer side effects than the Celexa and Effexor. Save being hungry all the time (24-7 munchies) and having trippy, fucked up dreams. Which should pass if I stay on it....

comfortably numb

I write from bed. As I can’t seem to get out of it. It’s 10am, and I’ve been “awake” (the definition becomes blurry when you have insomnia) for four hours. Staring alternately at the walls and the back of my eyelids. I haven’t felt any real anxiety for five days now (a huge relief). But as the celexa enters its later stages of rewiring (just over a month and a half in), I’m starting to experience a common long term effect : chronic apathy. I can watch the wall for hours like it’s my favorite movie.

Honestly, for now, it’s a good trade. The anxiety was flattening me too. Just in a different, worse way. At least I’m capable now of doing things, should I want to do them (or need to...). Supposedly, as my body continues to adjust, the apathy may fade some. But probably not completely. I’m going to try taking the pill in the evening instead of the morning, as many people on the net have suggested. That helps a lot of people sleep. If that doesn’t work, I’m considering adding yet another drug, Wellbutrin, which has shown success in countering the apathy and sexual side effects of SSRI (more drugs, yay!) by increasing dopamine levels (the other “feel good” neurotransmitter).

Lunesta FAIL

Saw the doctor yesterday. Mainly to re-evaluate the Celexa. But also to ask about the klonopin (want to start tapering off before I'm too hooked...), and see if I could try Lunesta (new’ish sleeping pill).

We decided to stick with the Celexa and Klonopin combo for now, and I got a script for Lunesta. Was really excited about the Lunesta. I've read all these rave reviews on the net from insomniacs getting 8-9 hours sleep for the first time in years (would eat a bum's underwear for 8 hours sleep). Tried it last night. Alas, another FAIL. Went to sleep pretty quick, but then woke up every 20 minutes the entire night. Was dragging ass all day.... At least I didn’t have nightmares too like with the Trazodone. Sigh....

I think I just need to get laid. Fuck myself to sleep every night.

born this way (with anxiety)

I think the Celexa may be “kicking”. I’ve had three days in a row here without “uncomfortably bad” anxiety. I still feel this constant “pressure” (Forgive the excessive “quotes”. I’m inventing my own vocabulary as I go). But the anxiety seems to be decreasing.

I also had a mini mental breakthrough. The other day, I was having a conversation with a fellow anxiety case. One who’d had anxiety their whole adult life. They were describing how it had made them “hyper aware” of their own body. “Yes! Me too!”, I exclaimed. I’d never been particularly aware of my body before the anxiety. Now though, I’m conscious of EVERYTHING. Every little ache and pain mentally analyzed and filed away for future analysis. Which, of course, causes more anxiety.

Later, reflecting on the conversation, I began searching my past for signs of anxiety. And sure enough....they were there. When I first started college (18 yrs old), I can distinctly remember a series of random, sharp chest pains. It scared me a little. But it only happened a handful of times, and I quickly forgot them. I also remembered a stressful period at the end of my first “real job” (fired), when I had the same “pressure” sensation on my chest. I just didn’t know what it was. I even dredged up a fuzzy, early childhood memory of not being able to breathe and panicking about it.

I cannot convey what a relief this realization was. I was not experiencing some new, rapidly progressing mental disease. This was normal me! I just didn’t know what anxiety was until it got bad enough I couldn’t ignore it. And the aches and pains? Normal. Anxiety amplifies and exacerbates them (by disrupting sleep, for instance). But aches and pains are just part of life (especially once you hit 30...).

The next day, I awoke feeling much better. The “pressure” was still there, but my interpretation of it changed. Walking out my door, for the first time in months, I felt......normal. And it wasn't just the Celexa.

trazodone nighmares

Hey all. More crazy drug experimentation for ya.

The anxiety has me waking up all night--bad for anxiety. So my doctor gave me trazodone, an old school antidepressant that’s becoming increasingly popular as a sleep aid. For some, it’s a miracle drug. The only thing that works. For some, it gives you horrible nightmares that keep you waking up all night. I got the latter.

The nightmares weren’t too horrific. No halving mom with a chainsaw. Just a series of dreams where someone wrongs me and I angrily confront them. The most amusing:

Me and my friend Matt deliver a pizza to insult comedian Jeffery Ross (hilarious vid of him roasting Pam Anderson), who is inexplicitly living in an RV. He pays for the pizza with a strange looking, oversize silver credit card. Upon running it, I see my name on it. I confront him as politely as possible. He denies it. Anger increasing, I bring up my bank account on my phone to prove it. He still denies it, and starts pacing around and ranting with a wild, Charlie Sheen look on his face. Matt is trying to get me to leave it alone. Probably because he wants to network, I think. I eventually get him to reverse the charge somehow and leave.

Celexa working?

Yesterday, at the end of my second day in a row of noticeably lower anxiety, I was laying in the bathtub reading Kerouac. I looked up to see a large wolf spider dancing frantically around the ceiling. Marveling at its gravity defying movement, I felt suddenly.....lighter. The room suddenly..... brighter. I felt content, in a way I haven’t felt in a long time.

I'd been on Celexa 5 weeks and a day. Around the time it’s supposed to start working (anywhere from 4-8 weeks). I began to wonder. Is it the Celexa? Or just a hot bath, good literature, and a dancing spider?

Probably a bit of both. Today, I commuted two hours to a cube in Los Gatos to create TPS reports for the government. The result? Anxiety back up. But maybe it’s slowly going down? It’s hard to tell, which is frustrating.

Celexa Diet

I stepped on the scale this morning. 142 lbs. Wow. I’ve lost 15 pounds in a month--the result of one of Celexa’s many unpleasant side effects, decreased appetite. That’s a lot of weight for me.

It’s strange. When I look in the mirror, I like what I see. I look....better. Younger. And I’ve definitely been getting checked out more recently. But inside, I feel like shit. Struggling through nasty side effects, MOST of which SHOULD eventually subside. The ones I've been blessed with: complete loss of appetite, nausea, increased anxiety, NO sex drive (that returned last week, THANK GOD), dry mouth, and insomnia. And I'm still waiting for the therapeutic effect to “kick”.

It’s like there’s some cruel inverse relationship between how I look and feel.

In the last couple days, my appetite has returned, thankfully. But I'm wondering: can I keep my weight loss? If I keep my yoga addiction and sharp curbing of alcoholic intake going, it may just be possible. A 142 lb, non anxious Seth. Unstoppable.

i'm on an antidepressant

I’m coming out of the medicine cabinet. Yep, I am on an antidepressant. Celexa, specifically. Just started a week ago. Not for depression, but anxiety (related). You’re probably thinking one of two things: “yep, just another person medicating their real problems away”, or “I wonder if I should tweak my dosage...”. For most of my life, I would’ve thought the former. But after struggling hard with this for a year, trying every non-drug solution I could think of (yoga, therapy, not drinking, breathing excercises, etc., etc.), it's just getting worse. Making it difficult to work. Making me anti-social. All of which makes the anxiety worse....A horrible downward spiral.

No doubt, I have non-chemical issues to deal with. In therapy (another first). But I can’t deal with them laying in bed fighting off panic attacks.

Ok, enough justification.

SIDE NOTE: EVERYBODY I KNOW IS ON SOMETHING. I had no idea until I started discretely consulting friends. Ok, not everybody. But probably %80. Seriously. It’s like there’s some kind of anxiety/depression epidemic going on. One by one, people I thought were medication free are revealed. Celexa, Prozac, Effexor, Wellbutrin, Lexapro, Zoloft, Cymbalta, etc., etc. The list goes on. And the remaining 20%, maybe should be. Self medicating with booze, pot, cigarettes, regrettable sex, food, or god knows what else. W.T.F??

On the one hand, I’m relived to know I’m not alone. And I’m understanding people better. On the other, I’m wondering what the fuck is wrong with us? Is it just modern life? Our increasingly polluted environment? Disintegration of families? Hyper saturated media culture? Spending all day in front of computers multitasking? Electromagnetic radiation? Just San Francisco? Probably not. The state with the highest anti-depressant usage is apparently Utah.

I hope I’m not on this for life (if it works). That lifted out of anxiety, I’ll be able to work on getting feel-good chemicals from natural sources: loving relationships, more satisfying work, sex, making art, and just feeling alive. But who knows...Welcome to the Brave New World people. I didn’t realize we were already there.

Wish me luck:)