born this way (with anxiety)

I think the Celexa may be “kicking”. I’ve had three days in a row here without “uncomfortably bad” anxiety. I still feel this constant “pressure” (Forgive the excessive “quotes”. I’m inventing my own vocabulary as I go). But the anxiety seems to be decreasing.

I also had a mini mental breakthrough. The other day, I was having a conversation with a fellow anxiety case. One who’d had anxiety their whole adult life. They were describing how it had made them “hyper aware” of their own body. “Yes! Me too!”, I exclaimed. I’d never been particularly aware of my body before the anxiety. Now though, I’m conscious of EVERYTHING. Every little ache and pain mentally analyzed and filed away for future analysis. Which, of course, causes more anxiety.

Later, reflecting on the conversation, I began searching my past for signs of anxiety. And sure enough....they were there. When I first started college (18 yrs old), I can distinctly remember a series of random, sharp chest pains. It scared me a little. But it only happened a handful of times, and I quickly forgot them. I also remembered a stressful period at the end of my first “real job” (fired), when I had the same “pressure” sensation on my chest. I just didn’t know what it was. I even dredged up a fuzzy, early childhood memory of not being able to breathe and panicking about it.

I cannot convey what a relief this realization was. I was not experiencing some new, rapidly progressing mental disease. This was normal me! I just didn’t know what anxiety was until it got bad enough I couldn’t ignore it. And the aches and pains? Normal. Anxiety amplifies and exacerbates them (by disrupting sleep, for instance). But aches and pains are just part of life (especially once you hit 30...).

The next day, I awoke feeling much better. The “pressure” was still there, but my interpretation of it changed. Walking out my door, for the first time in months, I felt......normal. And it wasn't just the Celexa.