comfortably numb

I write from bed. As I can’t seem to get out of it. It’s 10am, and I’ve been “awake” (the definition becomes blurry when you have insomnia) for four hours. Staring alternately at the walls and the back of my eyelids. I haven’t felt any real anxiety for five days now (a huge relief). But as the celexa enters its later stages of rewiring (just over a month and a half in), I’m starting to experience a common long term effect : chronic apathy. I can watch the wall for hours like it’s my favorite movie.

Honestly, for now, it’s a good trade. The anxiety was flattening me too. Just in a different, worse way. At least I’m capable now of doing things, should I want to do them (or need to...). Supposedly, as my body continues to adjust, the apathy may fade some. But probably not completely. I’m going to try taking the pill in the evening instead of the morning, as many people on the net have suggested. That helps a lot of people sleep. If that doesn’t work, I’m considering adding yet another drug, Wellbutrin, which has shown success in countering the apathy and sexual side effects of SSRI (more drugs, yay!) by increasing dopamine levels (the other “feel good” neurotransmitter).

Lunesta FAIL

Saw the doctor yesterday. Mainly to re-evaluate the Celexa. But also to ask about the klonopin (want to start tapering off before I'm too hooked...), and see if I could try Lunesta (new’ish sleeping pill).

We decided to stick with the Celexa and Klonopin combo for now, and I got a script for Lunesta. Was really excited about the Lunesta. I've read all these rave reviews on the net from insomniacs getting 8-9 hours sleep for the first time in years (would eat a bum's underwear for 8 hours sleep). Tried it last night. Alas, another FAIL. Went to sleep pretty quick, but then woke up every 20 minutes the entire night. Was dragging ass all day.... At least I didn’t have nightmares too like with the Trazodone. Sigh....

I think I just need to get laid. Fuck myself to sleep every night.

born this way (with anxiety)

I think the Celexa may be “kicking”. I’ve had three days in a row here without “uncomfortably bad” anxiety. I still feel this constant “pressure” (Forgive the excessive “quotes”. I’m inventing my own vocabulary as I go). But the anxiety seems to be decreasing.

I also had a mini mental breakthrough. The other day, I was having a conversation with a fellow anxiety case. One who’d had anxiety their whole adult life. They were describing how it had made them “hyper aware” of their own body. “Yes! Me too!”, I exclaimed. I’d never been particularly aware of my body before the anxiety. Now though, I’m conscious of EVERYTHING. Every little ache and pain mentally analyzed and filed away for future analysis. Which, of course, causes more anxiety.

Later, reflecting on the conversation, I began searching my past for signs of anxiety. And sure enough....they were there. When I first started college (18 yrs old), I can distinctly remember a series of random, sharp chest pains. It scared me a little. But it only happened a handful of times, and I quickly forgot them. I also remembered a stressful period at the end of my first “real job” (fired), when I had the same “pressure” sensation on my chest. I just didn’t know what it was. I even dredged up a fuzzy, early childhood memory of not being able to breathe and panicking about it.

I cannot convey what a relief this realization was. I was not experiencing some new, rapidly progressing mental disease. This was normal me! I just didn’t know what anxiety was until it got bad enough I couldn’t ignore it. And the aches and pains? Normal. Anxiety amplifies and exacerbates them (by disrupting sleep, for instance). But aches and pains are just part of life (especially once you hit 30...).

The next day, I awoke feeling much better. The “pressure” was still there, but my interpretation of it changed. Walking out my door, for the first time in months, I felt......normal. And it wasn't just the Celexa.

trazodone nighmares

Hey all. More crazy drug experimentation for ya.

The anxiety has me waking up all night--bad for anxiety. So my doctor gave me trazodone, an old school antidepressant that’s becoming increasingly popular as a sleep aid. For some, it’s a miracle drug. The only thing that works. For some, it gives you horrible nightmares that keep you waking up all night. I got the latter.

The nightmares weren’t too horrific. No halving mom with a chainsaw. Just a series of dreams where someone wrongs me and I angrily confront them. The most amusing:

Me and my friend Matt deliver a pizza to insult comedian Jeffery Ross (hilarious vid of him roasting Pam Anderson), who is inexplicitly living in an RV. He pays for the pizza with a strange looking, oversize silver credit card. Upon running it, I see my name on it. I confront him as politely as possible. He denies it. Anger increasing, I bring up my bank account on my phone to prove it. He still denies it, and starts pacing around and ranting with a wild, Charlie Sheen look on his face. Matt is trying to get me to leave it alone. Probably because he wants to network, I think. I eventually get him to reverse the charge somehow and leave.

Celexa working?

Yesterday, at the end of my second day in a row of noticeably lower anxiety, I was laying in the bathtub reading Kerouac. I looked up to see a large wolf spider dancing frantically around the ceiling. Marveling at its gravity defying movement, I felt suddenly.....lighter. The room suddenly..... brighter. I felt content, in a way I haven’t felt in a long time.

I'd been on Celexa 5 weeks and a day. Around the time it’s supposed to start working (anywhere from 4-8 weeks). I began to wonder. Is it the Celexa? Or just a hot bath, good literature, and a dancing spider?

Probably a bit of both. Today, I commuted two hours to a cube in Los Gatos to create TPS reports for the government. The result? Anxiety back up. But maybe it’s slowly going down? It’s hard to tell, which is frustrating.